You are NOT only as Faithful as your options

There’s a popular saying that has always bothered me: “You’re only as faithful as your options.”

The theory is simple. Some people aren’t actually loyal—they just haven’t had the opportunity to cheat. Give them enough attention, enough temptation, or the “right” person at the “right” time, and supposedly their faithfulness disappears.

I disagree.

Because if your faithfulness depends on having no other options, that isn’t faithfulness. That’s lack of opportunity. Being faithful doesn’t mean you stop noticing attractive people the moment you get married.

It doesn’t mean nobody else will ever flirt with you.

It doesn’t mean you’ll never meet someone interesting, successful, funny, attractive, or compatible.

And it certainly doesn’t mean there will never be a moment when someone else makes you feel good about yourself.

Faithfulness means that when those opportunities appear, you still choose your relationship. That's the part people miss.

You cannot demonstrate loyalty without having something else you could choose. A person stranded on a deserted island isn’t proving fidelity because they aren’t cheating. There’s nobody there to cheat with.

The real test comes when there is an opportunity—and you decide that opportunity isn't worth jeopardizing what you've committed to.

Another problem with the “only as faithful as your options” theory is that it shifts responsibility away from the person making the decision.

The attractive coworker didn't make you cheat.

Social media didn't make you cheat.

The person who slid into your DMs didn't make you cheat.

Traveling for work didn't make you cheat.

Having money, status, attention, or access didn't make you cheat.

Those things may create opportunities. They don't make decisions. People do. And there are plenty of people who have opportunities to be unfaithful and simply don't take them.Not because they're saints. Not because they're never tempted. But because they've already decided what kind of partner they want to be.

Character Matters More Than Opportunity This is one of the reasons I believe people spend too much time asking the wrong questions when choosing a spouse.

We ask: Does this person have a good job? Are they attractive? Do they want children? Do we have chemistry? Do they fit the picture I have in my head?

Those things may matter. But here's another question: Who is this person when nobody is watching?

Because marriage eventually puts character on display.

A person with integrity doesn't need you standing over their shoulder to behave appropriately. They don't need you checking their phone. They don't need a location tracker. They don't need you monitoring every coworker, friend, ex, Instagram follower, or person who comments on their pictures. Their boundaries aren't created by your surveillance.

Their boundaries come from their values. “I Could, But I Won’t” Is More Powerful Than “I Couldn't” There is something deeply reassuring about knowing your partner has options and still chooses you.

Think about the difference. “I've never cheated because nobody else wanted me.” That's not particularly comforting.

Compare it to: “I've had opportunities. I simply wasn't interested in risking what we have.” That's loyalty.

There is a tremendous difference between being unable to betray someone and being unwilling to betray them Faithfulness lives in the second one.

I also think we sometimes romanticize marriage in a way that sets couples up for disappointment. Getting married doesn't make the rest of the world disappear. You are still going to encounter attractive people. You may even occasionally feel chemistry with someone else. That doesn't automatically mean something is wrong with your marriage.

What matters is what you do next. Do you feed it? Do you start creating excuses to spend time with that person? Do innocent texts slowly become personal conversations? Do you start sharing things with them that you should be discussing with your spouse? Do you convince yourself that you're “just friends” while secretly enjoying an emotional intimacy you know crosses a line?

Affairs don't always begin in hotel rooms. Sometimes they begin with very small decisions that people repeatedly tell themselves don't matter. Faithfulness is often simply recognizing the boundary before you cross it.

And This Is Why You Should Marry Someone You Actually Like I come back to this repeatedly because I think it matters. Don't just marry someone who checks your boxes. Don't marry someone because the wedding would look beautiful. Don't marry someone because you're a certain age and think it's time. Don't marry someone because they look like the kind of person you imagined standing beside you.

Ask yourself: Do I actually like this person? Do I enjoy talking to them? Do I respect them? Do I admire their character? Do I want their company when there isn't a vacation, fancy dinner, anniversary, or Instagram-worthy moment involved?

Because marriage is mostly ordinary Tuesdays. And when you genuinely like the person you married, protecting that relationship doesn't always feel like deprivation. It often feels like protecting something valuable.

You Are Not Only as Faithful as Your Options

You're as faithful as your values.

You're as faithful as your boundaries.

You're as faithful as your integrity.

You're as faithful as the promises you are willing to keep when nobody would ever know you broke them.

Having options doesn't determine your character. What you do with those options reveals it. And maybe that's the better question to ask before marriage.

Not: “Will this person ever have the opportunity to cheat?” They probably will.

Ask instead: “Who is this person when they have the opportunity to do something wrong and could probably get away with it?”

Because you don't want someone who is faithful simply because nobody else came along. You want someone who can look at another option and think: No. I already chose.

— Danielle M. Key, Esq.

Danni’s Den

For more lessons about choosing a partner, understanding marriage, and making better decisions before—and sometimes after—you say “I do,” read Too Quick to Marry, Too Quick to Divorce: Lessons from a Divorce Lawyer. text.