Don't Make Someone a Priority Who Only Sees You as an Option

Never Be Someone's Plan B When You Deserve to Be Their Plan A

Stop giving someone first place in your life when they have you sitting on the bench waiting to be called into the game. There is an old saying: "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option."

It sounds simple enough. Yet every day, people find themselves in relationships where they are giving everything to someone who is giving them just enough to keep them around.

They are available when the other person calls. They rearrange their schedules, sacrifice their needs, make excuses for bad behavior, and convince themselves that eventually, their loyalty will be rewarded.

Meanwhile, the person they are prioritizing is living life on their own terms, showing up when it is convenient and disappearing when something—or someone—better comes along.

That is not a relationship. That is an arrangement in which one person enjoys all the benefits while the other pays the emotional price.

Being an Option Is Not the Same as Being Chosen

There is a difference between someone who is genuinely busy and someone who only makes time for you when they have nothing better to do.

We all have responsibilities. Careers, children, family obligations, and personal challenges sometimes require our attention. No reasonable person should expect to be the center of someone else's universe every minute of every day.

But there is a difference between having competing priorities and treating someone as disposable. Someone who values you may not always be available, but they make an effort. They communicate. They consider your feelings. They make room for you in their life.

Someone who sees you as an option contacts you when they are lonely, bored, need something, or when their preferred choice is unavailable.

And when that preferred choice returns, suddenly you become an afterthought. Never confuse being wanted occasionally with being valued consistently.

Stop Auditioning for a Role You Should Already Have

One of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is believing that if they just do a little more, give a little more, love a little harder, or become a little more accommodating, the other person will finally recognize their worth.

So they audition. They become the perfect girlfriend or boyfriend. They cook, clean, provide emotional support, offer financial assistance, and make themselves available at a moment's notice.

They overlook disrespect. They tolerate inconsistency. They accept excuses they would never advise a friend to accept.

And what happens? Often, nothing changes.

Why? Because you cannot earn a place in someone's life that they have no intention of giving you.

You cannot love someone into choosing you. And you should never have to convince someone that you are worthy of being treated with consideration, honesty, and respect.

Never Be Plan B

Let's talk about being someone's backup plan.

You are the person they call after another relationship fails. The person they return to when they realize the dating pool is not as exciting as they imagined. The person they suddenly appreciate when nobody else is paying them attention.

They tell you they have finally realized what they had. Maybe they have. People can grow, mature, and recognize past mistakes. But before you welcome someone back into your life, ask yourself an important question:

Do they genuinely want me, or am I simply the safest option now that their preferred choice is unavailable? There is nothing wrong with second chances when they are supported by genuine accountability and changed behavior.

But there is something deeply troubling about allowing someone to repeatedly put you aside, pursue other opportunities, and return whenever those opportunities do not work out.

You are not a waiting room. You are not a consolation prize.

And you are certainly not a safety net for someone who wants the freedom to explore other relationships while expecting you to remain available.

Love Should Never Require You to Abandon Your Self-Respect

As a divorce attorney, I have seen what happens when people spend years making someone else the center of their existence while slowly losing themselves.

They stop pursuing their own interests. They distance themselves from friends. They compromise their values. They tolerate behavior that once would have been unacceptable.

And they do it because they believe that keeping the relationship is more important than protecting their own peace.

But here is something I wish more people understood: The worst thing that can happen in a relationship is not always losing the other person. Sometimes, it is losing yourself trying to keep them.

Love requires compromise. It requires patience, forgiveness, and occasionally putting another person's needs ahead of your own.

But compromise must be mutual. There is a difference between sacrificing for a relationship and being the only person making sacrifices.

A healthy relationship is not always 50/50. Sometimes one person gives 80% while the other can only manage 20%. Life happens.

But if you are consistently giving 100% while the other person contributes only when it is convenient, you need to ask yourself whether you are building a relationship or simply maintaining one by yourself.

Pay Attention to Actions, Not Promises

People will tell you almost anything to keep access to you. They will tell you they love you. They will tell you that you are special. They will tell you that nobody understands them the way you do. They may even tell you that they see a future with you.

But words without corresponding actions are nothing more than promises waiting to be broken. Someone who genuinely wants to build a life with you will demonstrate that intention through consistent behavior.

You should not have to beg for communication, plead for consideration, or repeatedly explain why being ignored, dismissed, or treated as an afterthought is hurtful.

When someone's words say you are important but their actions consistently say otherwise, believe their actions.

Choosing Yourself Is Not Selfish

There comes a point when you have to stop asking, "Why won't this person choose me?" and start asking, "Why am I continuing to choose someone who does not choose me?"

That question can be uncomfortable because it requires us to examine our own decisions. Sometimes we stay because we are afraid of being alone.

Sometimes we stay because we have invested years in the relationship and cannot imagine walking away. Sometimes we stay because we love the person we believe our partner could become rather than accepting the person standing in front of us.

And sometimes we stay because we have convinced ourselves that having a small piece of someone is better than having none of them at all.

It isn't. Being alone is not the same as being lonely. In fact, some of the loneliest people are those who are in relationships with partners who make them feel invisible.

Choosing yourself does not mean you are incapable of loving someone else. It means you understand that loving another person should never require you to stop loving yourself.

The Bottom Line

Never make someone your entire world when you are merely an occasional visitor in theirs. Never put your life on hold waiting for someone to decide whether you are worth their time.

Never compete for a position in someone's heart that they have repeatedly demonstrated they are unwilling to give you. And never mistake someone's desire to keep you available for a genuine commitment to building a future with you.

You deserve someone who chooses you deliberately, not reluctantly. Someone who values your presence, respects your time, and understands that a relationship is a partnership, not a convenience.

That does not mean you must always come first. It means you should never have to wonder whether you matter.

Remember this: You are not someone's Plan B, backup option, or emergency contact for loneliness. And if someone cannot recognize your value, you do not need to spend the rest of your life trying to prove it.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is: "I love you, but I love myself enough to walk away." Because at the end of the day, if someone keeps treating you like an option, you have the power to remove yourself from the list.

And that is not losing.

That is choosing yourself.

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Danni's Den — Real Talk About Love, Marriage, Divorce, and Relationships

For more relationship insights and lessons from a divorce attorney, visit www.dannisden.net.

And check out my book, Too Quick to Marry, Too Quick to Divorce: Lessons from a Divorce Lawyer, available on Amazon.

Because love should add value to your life, not make you question your own.