As a divorce lawyer, I’ve learned something that may sound strange coming from someone who spends so much time helping people end marriages: love matters, but love alone does not make a marriage work.
Two people can genuinely love each other and still be terrible at being married to each other.
Marriage asks things of us that dating does not. It requires communication when you would rather shut down. It requires financial transparency, compromise, patience, accountability, and the ability to disagree without destroying the person sitting across from you.
That is one of the reasons I wrote Too Quick to Marry, Too Quick to Divorce: Lessons from a Divorce Lawyer.
Over the years, I have watched people arrive at divorce court convinced that their marriage failed because the love disappeared. Sometimes it did. But sometimes the love was still sitting right there between them.
What disappeared was trust.
Or respect.
Or communication.
Or the willingness to change.
And sometimes, if we're willing to admit it, they loved each other—but they never really liked each other very much.
Before “Do I Love Them?” Ask “Do I Like Them?”
We talk a lot about falling in love.
We don't talk nearly enough about liking the person we choose to marry.
Ask yourself a very simple question:
Do I actually like this person?
Not: Do I love them?
Not: Am I attracted to them?
Not: Do they look good beside me?
Not: Do they check all the boxes?
Do I like them?
Do I enjoy talking to them?
Do I respect the way they think?
Do I like their personality?
Do I enjoy spending ordinary time with them when we're not on vacation, celebrating something, having sex, or dressed up for date night?
Do they make me laugh?
Do I admire who they are when there's nothing in it for them?
If we weren't romantically involved, would this be someone I would choose to have in my life?
That's a question more people should ask before getting married.
The Checklist Problem
A lot of people don't marry someone they genuinely like.
They marry someone who fits a preexisting checklist.
We create an idea of the person we're supposed to marry long before that person arrives.
Successful.
Attractive.
Educated.
Good job.
Certain income.
Certain height.
Certain age.
Wants children.
Comes from the “right” kind of family.
Shares a particular lifestyle.
Looks good on paper.
Then someone arrives who checks enough boxes, and we start trying to make the relationship fit the plan.
That's dangerous.
Because compatibility isn't a résumé.
Someone can satisfy every qualification you thought you wanted and still irritate you every time they open their mouth.
You can admire someone's accomplishments without admiring the person.
You can be physically attracted to someone whose company you don't particularly enjoy.
You can love the idea of the life you could build together while not particularly liking the person you're supposed to build it with.
And marriage will eventually expose that difference.
The Question We Don't Ask Enough
Before marriage, people tend to ask themselves:
“Do I love this person?”
It's an important question.
It just isn't the only one.
We should also be asking:
Do I like this person?
Can we solve problems together?
Can we talk about money without fighting or hiding things?
Can I trust this person when I'm not watching?
Do we want similar lives?
How does this person behave when angry?
Can we disagree respectfully?
Do I feel safe telling this person something they don't want to hear?
And perhaps most importantly:
Can I enjoy an ordinary Tuesday with this person?
Because marriage is mostly ordinary Tuesdays.
Marriage Happens After the Checklist
Marriage isn't lived on a dating profile.
It's not lived in engagement photos or wedding pictures.
It happens Tuesday morning when someone forgot to pay the electric bill.
It happens when a child is sick at 2 a.m.
It happens when money is tight, someone's parent needs care, one spouse loses a job, intimacy changes, bodies change, careers change, or the life you planned doesn't unfold the way you expected.
Eventually, the boxes you checked become far less important than the person sitting across from you.
And if you don't particularly like that person, marriage can become a very long exercise in tolerating someone you once convinced yourself was perfect for you.
Divorce Can Teach Us Something About Marriage
People sometimes view divorce only as evidence of failure. I don't.
Divorce can also be information.
It can show us what we ignored, what we tolerated, what we didn't communicate, and what we need to do differently the next time—whether “next time” means another relationship or simply the next chapter of our own lives.
That's what I want Danni's Den to be about.
Not telling people whether to marry or divorce.
Not pretending every relationship can—or should—be saved.
But having better conversations about the decisions we make before, during, and after relationships.
So before you ask:
“Is this the person I want to marry?”
Try asking something even more basic:
“Do I actually like this person?”
Because you can fall in love with someone who checks every box on your list.
But you're going to have to live with the person—not the checklist.
Welcome to the Den.