By Danielle M. Key, Esq.
Bonus Chapter from Too Quick to Marry, Too Quick to Divorce: Lessons from a Divorce Lawyer
Too many people want the flash, not the substance. They think about the size of the ring before they think about the size of the commitment.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a beautiful wedding.
Buy the dress. Pick the flowers. Find the perfect venue. Dance all night. Take a thousand pictures. Celebrate your love with everyone who matters to you.
But somewhere between the proposal and the reception, don't forget what all of that is supposed to be celebrating:
A marriage.
After years of practicing divorce law, I've watched people spend more time planning one day than thinking seriously about the decades that are supposed to follow it.
They know exactly what kind of wedding they want.
But ask them what kind of marriage they want, and sometimes the answer isn't nearly as clear.
The Wedding Is a Day. The Marriage Is the Everyday.
A wedding is an event.
A marriage is Tuesday.
It's waking up next to the same person when neither of you looks particularly glamorous.
It's figuring out who's going to pay the electric bill.
It's deciding whose family you're visiting for Thanksgiving.
It's raising children—or deciding not to have them.
It's career changes, sick parents, financial setbacks, bad moods, disappointments, successes, inside jokes and ordinary evenings when absolutely nothing exciting happens.
Those moments don't photograph particularly well.
Nobody applauds when you communicate instead of shutting down.
Nobody throws rose petals because you apologized when you were wrong.
There isn't a photographer standing nearby when one spouse has had a terrible day and the other quietly says, “I've got dinner. You go sit down.”
But that's marriage.
The private moments matter far more than the public production.
The Flash Is Easy. Substance Takes Intention.
We live in a culture that makes it very easy to become obsessed with the performance of love.
The proposal has to be Instagram-worthy.
The ring has to be impressive.
The engagement pictures have to be perfect.
The wedding needs the right venue, the right dress, the right flowers, the right hashtag and the right photographs.
And again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying any of that.
The problem begins when looking like you're building a beautiful life becomes more important than actually building one.
You can have a $50,000 wedding and a fifty-cent relationship.
You can have the designer dress and still have terrible communication.
You can have a five-carat diamond and still have no trust.
You can have breathtaking wedding photographs and wake up six months later wondering why you married the person standing next to you in them.
Flash can attract attention.
Substance sustains a marriage.
Stop Measuring the Ring. Start Measuring the Commitment.
One of the strangest things about modern marriage is how much significance we can attach to the size of an engagement ring.
People discuss carats, cuts, settings and price tags.
Friends want to see it.
Family members inspect it.
Social media gets the close-up.
But the ring isn't the commitment.
It's a symbol of one.
And sometimes we become so impressed by the symbol that we forget to examine what it's supposed to represent.
So before worrying about the size of the diamond, ask some different questions.
How big is the commitment?
How deep is the respect?
How strong is the friendship?
How honest is the communication?
How willing are both people to compromise?
Can you trust each other?
Can you disagree without becoming cruel?
Can you support each other when life isn't glamorous?
Do you share enough values to build a life together?
And one of my favorite questions:
Do you actually like each other?
Because a large diamond cannot compensate for a small commitment.
Marriage Shouldn't Feel Like a Never-Ending Battle.
We hear it constantly:
“Marriage is hard.”
I've never particularly liked that phrase.
Life is hard.
Raising children can be hard.
Financial problems are hard.
Illness is hard.
Grief is hard.
Career setbacks are hard.
Marriage will certainly encounter difficult circumstances because two people are moving through a life that will inevitably contain difficult circumstances.
But the marriage itself should not constantly be the source of the difficulty.
When you marry someone you genuinely like, respect and trust—someone whose values are compatible with yours and who is equally committed to the partnership—marriage can actually make life's hard moments easier.
Your spouse should be the person standing beside you while you deal with the problem.
Your spouse shouldn't always be the problem you're dealing with.
That doesn't mean healthy couples never argue.
It doesn't mean there won't be difficult seasons.
And it certainly doesn't mean choosing the right partner guarantees a perfect life.
It means that marriage should feel more like a partnership than a permanent conflict.
Sometimes people aren't struggling because marriage is inherently hard.
They're struggling because they married the wrong person, married for the wrong reasons, ignored incompatibilities, overlooked red flags or expected marriage to transform a relationship that wasn't working particularly well before the wedding.
Ask Yourself What You're Really Excited About.
If you're engaged—or hoping to be—try a simple exercise.
Imagine there is no wedding.
No expensive dress.
No bridal party.
No elaborate proposal video.
No reception.
No honeymoon pictures.
No social media announcement.
No one gets to see your ring.
Nobody gets to see your flowers.
Nobody gets to compliment the venue.
It's simply you and this person choosing to spend your lives together.
Are you still just as excited?
If removing the production makes the idea of marriage less appealing, that's worth thinking about.
Because eventually the guests go home.
The dress gets packed away.
The flowers die.
The honeymoon ends.
The photographs get posted.
And the ring becomes something you wear without thinking about it.
Then you're left with the person.
That's the part you need to choose carefully.
Plan the Marriage With the Same Energy You Plan the Wedding.
Couples will spend months debating centerpieces but sometimes avoid conversations about finances.
They'll interview photographers but won't discuss parenting philosophies.
They'll taste six different cakes but haven't seriously discussed career expectations, religion, household responsibilities, sex, debt, extended family or what fidelity means to each of them.
Imagine putting that same wedding-planning energy into marriage planning.
Instead of only asking:
What colors should we choose?
Ask:
How will we resolve disagreements?
Instead of only asking:
Where should we honeymoon?
Ask:
Where do we want our lives to be five years from now?
Instead of only asking:
How much should we spend on the ring?
Ask:
How will we handle money after we're married?
Instead of spending all your time preparing to walk down the aisle, spend some of it preparing for the person who will be standing at the other end.
The Marriage Is the Main Event.
Have the beautiful wedding if that's what you want.
Wear the incredible dress.
Buy the ring you love.
Throw the party.
Take the pictures.
Celebrate.
But understand what you're celebrating.
The wedding is not the accomplishment.
The wedding is the beginning.
The accomplishment is building a relationship where, years later, you still respect the person you married.
Where you still enjoy talking to them.
Where you've survived difficult seasons without destroying each other.
Where you've grown individually without growing completely apart.
Where the private relationship is even better than the public picture.
So don't choose a wedding.
Choose a spouse.
Don't prioritize the size of the ring.
Prioritize the size of the commitment.
Don't build a relationship designed to impress everyone watching.
Build one that still feels good when nobody is watching at all.
Because ultimately, nobody lives inside your wedding pictures.
You have to live inside your marriage.
Want More Insights? Read the Book.
If this chapter made you think differently about marriage, relationships, or the choices we make before saying “I do,” there is much more to the conversation.
In Too Quick to Marry, Too Quick to Divorce: Lessons from a Divorce Lawyer, I share the lessons I've learned from years of watching relationships succeed, struggle, and sometimes end in divorce.
The book challenges you to look beyond chemistry, appearances, expectations, and the excitement of the moment—and ask the questions that matter when you're choosing someone to build a life with.
Are you marrying the person—or the potential?
Do you actually like the person you love?
Are you compatible when real life replaces romance?
Are you ignoring today what could become tomorrow's reason for divorce?
And just as importantly: Are you walking away from a marriage because it truly needs to end—or because you've mistaken a difficult season for a failed marriage?
Don't wait until you're sitting across from a divorce lawyer to start asking better questions.
📕 Get your copy of Too Quick to Marry, Too Quick to Divorce: Lessons from a Divorce Lawyer by Danielle M. Key, Esq., available now on Amazon.
Real lessons. Better questions. Better decisions.
For more conversations about marriage, divorce, relationships, co-parenting and family law, visit Danni's Den at dannisden.net.
Pull up a chair. Let's talk.