When my husband and I decided to get married, people had plenty to say. Interestingly, many of their concerns had nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with my profession.
People actually warned my husband against marrying me. Why? Because I'm a divorce attorney.
Apparently, marrying a woman who understands divorce law, marital assets, custody, alimony, and the legal consequences of ending a marriage is a dangerous proposition.
But the warnings weren't reserved for him.
People warned me against marriage, too. After all, I'm a divorce attorney. I've seen marriages fall apart. I've witnessed betrayal, infidelity, financial manipulation, custody battles, and people who once promised to love each other forever become complete strangers—or worse, enemies.
I should know better. Know better than what? Falling in love? Making a commitment? Believing that a marriage can actually work?
Think about what those warnings reveal about how our society views marriage. We have become so accustomed to failed relationships that we sometimes treat a successful marriage as an exception rather than a reasonable expectation. We approach marriage as though it is a gamble, and anyone who understands the risks should know better than to participate.
And apparently, a woman who understands her legal rights is somehow a threat to the man who marries her.
That last part deserves its own conversation.
Why would a man be afraid to marry a woman who understands marriage and divorce? Why is a woman's knowledge of her rights perceived as a liability rather than an asset? Shouldn't both parties enter marriage understanding their legal and financial responsibilities?
A woman who knows how to leave a marriage can still be a woman who genuinely wants to stay. And perhaps that's what makes some people uncomfortable.
I didn't marry my husband because I didn't understand the consequences of divorce. I married him knowing exactly what those consequences could be. I didn't walk into marriage blindly. I walked into it with my eyes wide open.
My profession has taught me something important: Divorce isn't inevitable simply because marriage is difficult. Nor does every marriage end because someone cheated, lied, or stopped loving the other person.
Sometimes marriages fail because people never understood what marriage actually required. They confused the excitement of a wedding with the responsibility of being a spouse. They believed love would compensate for incompatibility, poor communication, selfishness, and a lack of mutual respect.
But I've also learned something else. The marriages that end up in my office do not represent every marriage. I see people when their relationships are falling apart. That doesn't mean I believe every relationship is destined to fail.
An emergency room doctor doesn't stop believing in good health simply because they treat sick patients. Why should a divorce attorney stop believing in marriage simply because she represents people getting divorced?
I love being married. I love my husband. And I believe in the institution of marriage.
But I don't believe in marriage at any cost.
I believe in marriage built on friendship, respect, accountability, loyalty, and a genuine commitment to building a life together. I believe that marriage should enhance your life rather than become something you must endure simply to say you're married.
And I believe that understanding when to leave a relationship makes the decision to stay that much more meaningful.
Perhaps the real problem isn't that a divorce attorney believes in marriage. Perhaps it's that we've developed such a cynical view of marriage that we find it surprising when someone who knows everything that can go wrong still believes in everything that can go right.
Marriage isn't the problem. Marrying the wrong person, for the wrong reasons, with the wrong expectations is.
And knowing the difference doesn't make me dangerous. It makes me intentional.
LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.
Why do we assume that someone who understands divorce shouldn't believe in marriage? And why are some people threatened by a woman who understands her legal rights?
I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Read my book, Too Quick to Marry, Too Quick to Divorce: Lessons from a Divorce Lawyer, available on Amazon.
#DannisDen #HappilyMarried #DivorceAttorney #MarriageMatters #MarriageAndRelationships #WomenWhoKnowTheirWorth #TooQuickToMarry #LoveWithYourEyesOpen
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